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ATTENTION VEGETARIANS! Although no chickens were harmed
during the writing of this story, there are some characters who have carnivorous tendencies. Take it, or leave it.
EPISODE 1: THE PHANTOM CHICKEN
Chicken liked travelling in space. The more he travelled, the more he liked it.
The more he liked it, the more he travelled.
Chicken is what you'd call a 'Temporal Hitchhiker', which is to say he could
pop up in just about any story based within any time frame.
Today, we're visiting Chicken on board the U.S.S. Voyager, which is currently
floundering her way through the Delta Quadrant of Space. A relatively unknown
and unchartered sector of space (to earthlings, anyway), the Delta Quadrant is
weighted with dangers at every....er....corner. (does space have corners??)
Chicken, being a master of disguises, is playing the role of Seven of Nine's
regeneration alcove. It's a tough role, but we think Chicken has enough talent
to pull it off.
-------------------------------
CARGO BAY 2, MONDAY 0145 HRS.
Chicken tensed as Seven of Nine entered Cargo Bay 2. Actually, Chicken was already
a little tense before Seven arrived...the electrical cords jutting from his backside
may have only been props, but Chicken was convinced they had a bit of a crush on him.
Every time he clenched his butt cheeks he heard them giggle and wiggle around & stuff
and it made him blush crimson. He made a point of clenching every minute or so.
Seven of Nine made her way directly to her alcove and took her place on the platform.
She wondered why her alcove was smiling today, and noticed that the characteristic
shades of green had been replaced by what could only be described as....red.
Chicken made the required beeps and blips that the alcove generally produced and Seven
began her regeneration cycle....
After about 6 hours, Chicken removed his wing-tips from Seven's ears and pronounced
"Regenaration Cycle Complete."
---------------------------------
CONFERENCE ROOM, MONDAY 0923 HRS.
".....Before we wrap up this morning's meeting, is there anything else we need to
cover today?" asked Captain Kathryn Janeway.
"Yes, Captain. If I may....?" requested Seven of Nine, a weensy bit shyly.
"Go ahead, Seven." said an intrigued Captain Janeway.
"Captain, I have concerns regarding my regeneration alcove. I believe it is malfunctioning."
"Malfunctioning?" blurted Chief Engineer B'Elanna Torres. "We just ran routine maintenance
on it yesterday!"
"That may be the case," stated Seven, picking a feather off of her bio-suit, "But I do
not believe my regeneration cycle was completed as stated. I did not feel regenerated at all.
In fact, I had a notably 'fowl' taste in my mouth, and I had developed a...craving...for
dried corn and....bird seed."
"I didn't think the Borg had cravings, Seven." That came from Voyager's pilot, Tom Paris.
Throwing Paris a scowl reserved for only ugly aliens and the like, Captain Janeway manoeuvred
her swivel chair so she could face Seven of Nine directly.
"Seven, did you manage to run diagnostics on your alcove this morning?" asked Janeway, trying
to keep a bemused look off of her face. She was the only one on board Voyager who knew of
Chicken's existence. She was the one who had hired him for the role of alcove, actually.
"Yes, Captain. I attempted to, but the tricorder refused to produce any readings. I brought
the matter to your attention," glancing at the others around the table, "So that I could
enlist your help in zeroing in on the problem."
"I don't think that is necessary, Seven. Why don't you just forgo regenerating for the time
being. You can stay in my quarters, considering you have none of your own. I'm sure the
doctor would agree...you should give 'sleeping' a try." said a leering Captain Janeway, maybe
a bit too eagerly.
"I will consider your proposal, Captain." Seven responded with a nod of her head.
"Dismissed." With that everyone returned to their respective stations and tried not to think
about what just transpired in the staff meeting.
---------------------
CARGO BAY 2 1421 HRS.
Chicken got bored. He didn't realise playing a Borg alcove would be so boring. He was regretting
the fact that he had jumped aboard this god awful starship.
Stepping down off of the platform, Chicken was quickly snapped backwards with a resounding
'THWAK!'. oOOopS! Thought Chicken. Chicken rubbed his head 'cause he just smacked it off of the
bulkhead. He had forgotten about the electrical cords shoved up his butt. He'd be lucky
if there was no internal damage this time.
After carefully extracting the giggling electrical chords from his behind, Chicken headed for
the cargo bay doors.
Before Chicken got very far he heard the doors hiss open and he made a dive for the nearest
packing crate.
Chicken didn't care if he got caught by anyone. It wasn't his idea that he remain hidden from
the crew. At first he didn't understand how, as the alcove, he could be standing right out in
the open, yet remain hidden from everyone. The Captain told him people only saw what they
wanted to see. In his case, they would only see a Borg alcove...but only if he remained standing
on the platform and kept his eyes crossed.
Hiding in the corner behind a crate reminded him of his friend Muffin. Muffin had blueberries.
Most people were afraid of catching blueberries...Chicken was immune because he had them when
he was a he-chick. Muffin was covered in them. Blueberries all over his face. No one knew how
you got blueberries, but some said it started with a careless baker. Chicken didn't listen
to rumours and superstition. Muffin was forced to move into a tree stump and hide from the
world. Muffin was a good muffin, but he drank too much. Chicken wondered if Muffin realised
drinking only made him soggy and bland. He'd have to remember to tell him that the next time he
saw him.
Chicken, mildly curious to see who had come into Cargo Bay 2, peeked around the crate he was
hiding behind.
"Hello, Chicken." squeaked the flea.
The Chicken said hello to his flea. He wasn't aware the flea was on holiday until just now.
Chicken looked past the flea and saw Seven of Nine approaching the platform where the alcove
should have been. sHIt! thought Chicken. ShIT! sHit! Double SHIT! Chicken did the only thing
he could think of to divert Seven of Nine's attention away from the absent alcove.
"F I R E !!!!" Chicken yelled. Chicken attempted a run for the cargo bay doors, but only managed
to trip on the flea. Luckily the flea was still wearing his Disneyland Safari Hat and only
suffered a minor concussion. Good thing he remembered to take out travellers insurance from
that mite he met on Chicken's shoulder.
Chicken, on the other hand, wasn't so lucky. With three cracked ribs, a dislocated beak and
a case of the runs...Chicken wasn't going anywhere.
--------------------------------------
SICK BAY, MONDAY 1600 HRS.
"....should just take you and THROW you onto a F***ing barbecue and EAT your f***ing flesh
until there is NOTHING left of you but a few greasy BONES rotting away in the garbage heap!!"
was all Chicken caught of Captain Janeway's rantings and ravings.
Chicken realised he must have been unconscious for some time. He looked around and noticed
he was in the sickbay. The lights were dim and the only person there was the Captain. Her hair
was in complete disarray and her muumuu was on backwards.
"When I allowed you aboard this vessel, it was under the condition that you were to help
me achieve a goal. I fostered you. I gave you shelter. I gave you a job. I trusted you.
And in return you betrayed me. I have now lost my only chance to get Seven into my bed
and it's all your fault." screamed Captain Janeway very, very angrily. Indeed.
Chicken noticed the flea sitting up on the next bio-bed silently watching the whole bumptious
spectacle. The flea was smart and kept his iddy-biddy mouth closed.
"Since you are the only creature who was party to my plan, I'm just going to have to do
something to make you forget this whole thing!" Janeway screamed as she wiped the foam from
her mouth.
Chicken was having trouble following her. Party? He didn't remember being at any party.
Chicken was surprised when he felt a hypospray collide with his neck.....
...
...
Who am I? Thought the Chicken.
Where am I? Thought the Chicken.
...
...
"And so, Mr. Neelix...I present to you a real, live chicken! You may prepare it however you wish!
Go wild, my friend!"
"Well, Captain! I am honoured! Why, I don't think I would know the first thing about preparing
a real live chicken!" stumbled an extremely startled Neelix. "I will do my utmost best, though.
Just for you, Captain!"
"Believe me, Neelix. I would be delighted with whatever you come up with." Janeway lowered
her voice to a near growl before proceeding. "As long as it's dead."
After the Captain left the messhall, Neelix searched the computer's database to find acceptable
recipies for cooking chicken.
"Let's see...the computer says that chicken should be refrigerated at all times. Hrumph! Ok,
little guy...into the refrigeration unit you go..." Neelix promptly deposited Chicken
into the unit.
Chicken was scared. He didn't know where he was, or why these people were treating him this way.
Had he done something wrong? It was cold in here. Chicken started to get sleepy...
OoWWw! Thought Chicken. That Hurt! OWWW! Stop Biting Me! EWWWW! It's a flea! Get it Off,
Get it Off! EwwHewwHewwwwWWW!
"Hey, you stupid Chicken!" squeaked the flea. "I'm just trying to help you. You ruined my
holiday you f***ing dust mop. I don't need to be here, you know!"
Chicken vaguely recognised the flea. He calmed down enough to listen to what the flea had
to say.
"Do you realise, Mr. Chicken, that you're sitting in a refrigerated escape pod? And do you realise that if you
hang around this kitchen any longer, you're going to be cleaned, gutted and then roasted?" asked the flea.
That didn't sound very fun to Chicken. Chicken had to think fast and make a quick exit. This looked like the perfect
opportunity. Both the potato and the leek agreed. Chicken realised he'd never been formally introduced to the
potato and the leek. I'm Chicken, said Chicken. Hi, Chicken, I'm Potato, said Potato.Hi, Chicken, I'm Leek, said Leek.
Potato, Leek, this is Flea, said Chicken. Flea, this is Potato and Leek. Hi, Leek. Said Flea. Hi Potato Said Flea. Hi Flea
said Potato. Hi Flea said Leek.
Now that the introductions were completed, there was nothing left to say. Chicken knew he had to hurry and figure
out a way to release the refrigerated escape pod. Chicken groped around in the dark and found what appeared to
be a button. Chicken pushed it.
"Ow! You poked me in the eye!" said Potato.
Chicken finally found the correct button and pressed it. At first nothing happened. Chicken was starting to get really
scared. Then the escape pod began to skake and shimmy. The pod broke free from Voyager and did three somersaults
before finally righting itself.
Chicken entered coordinates into the tiny pod-computer and settled in for the long journey. Chicken wasn't exactly fond
of long journeys, but he decided since he didn't have a choice he might as well enjoy it.
Continued in Episode 1�: The Phantom Chicken Flies the Coup.
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