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Freaks and Greeks


It was time to eat.

They knew that it was time to eat, not only because of the position of the sun and the rumbles in their tummies, but because the chicken told them so.

The chicken knew it was time to eat. And he told them so. Yes, he sure as hell did. At first they didn't believe him, but after a bit of an argument, they all agreed that it was surely time to eat. He only had one condition, though; Gabrielle was going to cook him. Not Xena. He hated Xena. She looked at him funny when he spoke to her.

Gabrielle didn't look at him funny.

Gabrielle was his friend. They went on walks together and went skiing & stuff. She didn't even look at him funny when he laid an egg. At first he thought that a 'he-chicken' laying an egg was a bit strange, but Gabrielle assured him that if Xena was able to fuck-her-up-the-ass-with-a-rubber-dildo perfectly fine, then a 'he-chicken' could lay an egg if he wanted to. And he should take his time & enjoy it while it lasted, 'cause he's going to be cooked soon & won't have the enjoyment of having things up his ass much longer.

They made an omelette with the egg (after Gabrielle took it out of her ass).

So, back to the dinner preparations: Gabrielle was at a loss - she couldn't decide exactly how to cook the chicken.

The Chicken heard Gabrielle ask Xena if she preferred 'He-Chicken Rotisserie' or 'He-Chicken Boiled in a Pot'.

Chicken knew what a rotisserie was because he saw Xena tie Gabrielle up one day and hang her from a pole. Xena had said to Gabrielle, 'Don't worry my little punkin', I won't let the flames lick your hide....that's my job...'

Then the chicken puked because he'd eaten a bad worm.

He was relieved when Xena said she preferred 'He-Chicken Boiled in a Pot'. He liked to go swimming with potatoes and leeks, but couldn't imagine the torture of Xena licking his hide. So, all the better if he was Boiled in a Pot. He'd have to take off his feather-suit, though. Once, he went swimming with Gabrielle and he forgot to take off his feather-suit. One of the feathers got caught in the filter drain and he almost drowned. Luckily he was wearing scuba gear and still had a half-hour left of oxygen. The chlorine also turned his feather-suit yellow. So much for his chance to try out for 'Touched by an Angel'. Damn!

To help Gabrielle with dinner, he went to look for Mr. Leek and Mr. Potato. They were no where to be seen, but he had a suspicion they were hanging out with that crazy Muffin.

He knew that would be a bad scene, they'd be out 'till all hours drinking and whoring. He had to get them back immediately, 'cause he'd be damned if he was going to go swimming in a Pot with a bunch of intoxicated horn-dogs.

Chicken couldn't help but overhear a conversation between mean-Xena and his friend Gabrielle. They were challenging the arrival of two people who had just walked into their camp. One was a shortypants and the other had big boobs.

"Who did you say you were?" asked the shortypants.

"I'm Xena. Don't tell me you've never heard of me!" said Mean-Xena.

"Ummmm.....Oh! Xena Barbalopoulos?" asked the Shortypants.

"No......" replied Mean-Xena.

"Ummmm.....Xena Thetapopalopappoulos?" guessed the Shortypants again.

"No, but I went to high school with her. I'm Xena Beta Kappakostakyrakyralos." said Mean-Xena Beta Kappakostakyrakyralos.

"No, I've never heard of you." said the Shortypants, who looked over at her friend with the big boobs, who was shrugging her shoulders and looking confused.

"And this is my friend Gabrielle." said Mean-Xena Beta Kappakostakyrakyralos.

"Gabrielle ......?" queried Big Boobs.

"Oh, I'm Gabrielle Smith. I'm not from around here." said a friendly Gabrielle.

"No, I should think not. What with your blonde hair and less than copious amounts of underarm hair..." said Shortypants as she glanced in Xena's direction.

The Chicken couldn't help but feel a shiver make his spine shiver at the redundancy of the whole and complete conversation, and how it all seemed so utterly and absolutely verbose. But, he was well aware of the pecking-order around here & chose to keep his trap shut about it.

He decided to hang around the camp, instead of looking for Mr. Leek and Mr. Potato. They were probably already stewed and wouldn't be of use to him anymore.

Before the Chicken knew what was happening, the newcomer with the big boobs noticed him and smacked the shortypants on the head.

"Capatin, I think we've found what we were looking for. Over there..." said Big Boobs, pointing right at Chicken. If he hadn't already pooped on his own chicken-feet, he'd have done it again. He was scared, because Big Boobs had a frosty look in her eyes. The last time he saw such a frosty look in someone's eyes was back in 78 B.C. when he was just a he-chick.
He couldn't remember what made him think of that, because that's all he remembered. Chicken thinks he pooped on his own feet then, too.

"I think you're right, Seven." said Captain Shortypants. "The rest must be around here somewhere. Janeway to Tuvok. We've located the renegade chicken, but have yet to locate the Leek and the Potato. Can you detect their lifesigns in this vicinity?" asked Janeway into her comm badge.

"One moment, Captain. Yes, I'm detecting dwindling lifesigns approximately two kilometres to the south of your position. The lifeforms appear to be submerged in a boiling vat of animal fat." replied Commander Tuvok.

"Damn!" shouted Janeway. Turning to Seven, she yelled "Ronald got to them first. I knew we should have come directly here once we noticed the chicken ran away with the leek and the potato."

"'Ronald', Captain? I know of no one by that designation." Seven replied evenly.

"Captain McDonald. He always had a penchant for deep-frying everything. Damn! Now what am I going to tell Neelix?"

The Chicken decided now would be a good time to make a run for it. He was only able to take one step before he slipped in a gooey white substance smeared all over the ground at his feet. He went down in a cloud of yellow-ish feathers and landed with a thud. Luckily for him, the force of his fall pushed out the egg he had pleasurably shoved back up his ass earlier in the day. It shot across the length of the camp and hit Xena in the head.

Everyone started laughing at how funny the situation was and how funny Mean-Xena Beta Kappakostakyrakyralos looked with a he-chicken egg on her head.

The Chicken was surprised at how quickly everyone forgot he was there. They all started taking their clothes off and were chasing eachother around the camp fire. Chicken felt left out at first, but was happy when he found the dildo Gabrielle mentioned earlier.

It fit nicely.


THE END.

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